The Father Factor

A recent visit to the barber shop has given me the energy needed to address a very important matter in our nation and especially in the african american community, young women raising boys and young men. As I continue on, please know that this is a matter that crosses all racial and socio-economic circles so the things that I share can be applied by all.
I want to be clear and state that this is not a bash on anybody. This is not a, "get back at absent fathers" post. In my opinion there has been too much of that. We know that in our community over 50% of young men come from a home with no man in the house. We also know the results. So now I want to talk about some solutions. I'm not an expert but I do know a lil" something about this.

This first post will be geared towards sisters that are presently raising young men in the house without a father. These are tips that I have observed that seem to make the difference, especially in my life.

This is humorous but true. Ladies, please understand that the barbershop, especially in the hood, is the last place that we have where we can be experts on everything. The barbershop is NOT A PLACE FOR YOU. The same way the beauty salon is not a place for brothers. Trust me, I've spent enough time at both to know the insides of what goes on. My point is this. First try and find one of your male relatives to take your son to the barbershop. If you have to, please let the shop manager be able to say something corrective to your young man. If your son is being unruly please know that one of the brothers will correct him or should do it. Not by putting their hands on them but by talking to them. That's our school. That's where we learn about manhood and teach it when we get it. It's a village. Don't have a "don't say nothin to my child attitude." We're just trying to help.

Second or actually first. When getting into a relationship think about who the brother is and what this brothers background is before you decide to give access to this brother. Check on the family structure that he comes from. Find out about his mother and father. How did he do in school, where does he work, what church does he atend reguarly. God has made a man for every woman and a woman for every man. Be patient and stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Think about what might happen if he doesn't stay with you and the burden of baby momma drama. In other words WAIT. If that man loves you. Make him prove it. OK, let's put this way, No Ring, No Thing. UNDERSTAND. Trust me, it's worth it. Stop trippin' and thinking that a brother must be gay because he wants to do the right thing and wait until marriage.

Now let's deal with you that already is in the situation. First thing you need to know is that you can't make a man be a man. If the father of your child is not doing for the child, you, child support or no one else can make that man be a father except. God. Pray and then do what you have to do to make it work. Don't waste time trying to get back at him for what he's not doing. Way too much wasted energy. Not only that it is transferred to the child. Just realize that you also participated in this and move on. (Testimony #1) I never heard my mother ever say anything negative about my father nor was I ever allowed to say anything. That should always be taboo. Let that young man make his own decisions as he gets older. Instead of fighting and arguing, see if maybe you can have a neutral party sit with the two of you to work out something as far as visiting and some form of support. If it doesn't work just move on. Start thinking about a plan on how to make the best of this for everyone. Once it has been established that the relationship is over and he has moved on, you must accept it and do the same. Don't play the back and forth game. If he left and went to another, your door now has a new lock and he does not have they key> You can't handle the emotional roller coaster that a brother will take you on if you allow him to. If he has truly moved on and you know it please don't try to destroy his new boo. Here's another point on that matter. If you experienced a hurt on that relationship you should be a little smarter for the next time. How in the world can you go out and expose yourself again to someone that you didn't give enough time to prove that he is worthy enough of you.In other words, how you gonna be stupid enough to think if you have baby by a man that he's gonna stay. "WRONG AND GHETTO THINKIN" Now you have more than one issue. Please people, let's stop this nonsense of having a situation where boys are marrying there sisters and not even knowing it because you have allowed yourself to be used as dumping grounds for a dogs deposits. You were made better than that. YOU ARE ALL DAUGHTERS OF DESTINY. When God made you HE gave you the opportunity to bring in the seed to be used by HIM.

Sisters, keep your head up when dealing with your baby's father and he has a new boo, especially when you do to. Please know that you ought to keep the communications cordial. If you have a man of your house and he wants to pick up or visit, my thought is that he ought to respect the man of the house and communicate with the man of the house. Him talking to you is going to make that other brother think. OK, that may be too deep. Let me move on.

*Here's some areas that you can get some MAN experience. Start with your family. The older and more responsible male members can assist you in this matter. Talk to them and ask for help to be a mentor. PLEASE don't think you can do this by yourself, you can't. You have no idea how we think at various stages of our lives. *Make sure you are in a good Bible teaching church with a strong Men's Ministry. Normally they have mentors that have been checked thoroughly and strategically placed with young men to assit their growth. If a mentor is involved and you are single and they are not, hey, you know where I'm going...Be strong sister. Sports is a must.(TESTIMONY #2) In my day, my mother made me play everything, no questions. Sports is key for young men. Of course nowadays you have to check out the coaches. Please keep these young brothers busy doing something positive. Sports teaches discipline, teamwork, togetherness and responsibility. Make him go to practice. Now this may sound kind of crazy but take my advice, it works.(TESTIMONY #3)My mother made be go to practice even if I was on punishment. She told the coach what I did and trust me, by the end of that practice session, whatever I had done wasn't even going to happen again. The coach rode me HARD. Extra laps, pit drills in football, whatever it took the coach helped mom. Sports, especially football is a place where boys can work off that aggression.

Talk to your son effectively. There's nothing better than just some good old fashion conversation. Ask him about what's going on. Let him talk and see where he is and what stage he's at. Let the young man be a man. as he grows, please know that there will be some challenges. Once the hair starts growing and he starts discovering girls and the joys of them the whole games going to change. Prepare yourself because it's going to happen. My suggestion. Really get with the brothers in the church and let him hook up with them. Be careful but let him grow. There should be some boundaries with the girl thing. I can't say my mom was the best at this. She didn't like anybody but oddly enough my wife. That might say something in retrospect because looking back after 18 good years, well I'll leave that alone. I guess I must admit that you sisters have that mother wit thing and you can see things in girls that we don't. As we're growing you know what we see. I don't care how saved, or spiritual. At 16 it's all about a big butt and a smile. The Rev. is just keeping it real.Know this and role with it accordingly. Set the rules but let the brother grow. A young man wants to know that he is respected as a man even when he's a teenager. Back in the day my mom had help from the older brothers in the neighborhood. They wouldn't let you do what they were doing but now the game has changed. Trust me, keep them from birth in the church. (TESTIMONY #4) Even in my trippin days, because of my mothers "you got to go to church rules" early on, I didn't go as far as I could"ve.

#During the teen years insist on him to be neat and clean. This should've started early. Don't be afraid to make that boy work around the house. The Bible is clear on when you don't work you don't eat. Don't baby that boy. Teach him how to wash and fold his cloths. Teach him about hygiene. Teach him how to cook. Now sisters this means that you have to put some things to the side to make this work. (Testimony #5)My mother always had time for me. I had never had to compete with her "getting her grove on or her getting her nails and hair done) before she had time with me. Let's be real about this.

*For now, last but not least. For the sisters that are trying to do this alone. If the dad is trying, let him try. Sometimes brothers want to do the right thing but the problem is that you put the brother through so much that he just doesn't feel like the aggravation and gives up. Trust me, brothers know when they are doing wrong by their child. No court or anything else could do what a brothers conscious is already doing. The worst thing that you can do is run that brother away from doing the very thing that you want him to do. Get your mind off of getting back and put your mind on getting things right. Have sense about it, if a brother is going to be off and on and cause that young man disappointment then you should be cautious but if he is displaying or wanting to display consistency in being a father and not playing with your emotion, then let it be.. I believe that child support court is the worst thing ever. It gives a sister to have the opportunity to have a child without thought because if it doesn't work I can use the court to get what I want.The other thing is that you know that it's some scandelous women out here who will trap a brother up for the funds only....Basically I think it gives an added option for disaster instead of good. How about this. If a man can't make payments he's placed in jail and his drivers license is taken. How in the world can that make things better. How can he do better if he can't work or drive?????

*I've touched on a few subjects and the next post will deal with the fathers in this situation however if there are subjects that you have questions about, please feel free to e-mail me at agent462@yahoo.com or just post your comments. I am determined to bridge this gap between all involved. Remember this, "Kindness is the language that the blind can see and the deaf can hear" try it...